Tis the season to be...?

In a recent conversation, a friend of mine said she doesn’t really enjoy the holiday season anymore.  After her parents passed, she felt alone.  The holidays had become a reminder of what she didn’t have anymore.  She felt numb and not truly joyful.  We continued talking and I asked her, “What is something you could gift yourself with?”  She paused and said there wasn’t anything she needed.  I asked her, “What if you could gift yourself with happiness?” She laughed and said that’s probably not going to be in her stocking this year.  She has three children and her holiday season will be all about them, she will just “get through” another season, put on a smile for her children, and be glad for January. 

I have thought about this conversation many times. I’ve heard similar sentiments as I work with clients who are just “getting through” life. I am so committed to helping people discover that there are ways to shift this thinking to improve their lives.

So, I wrote my friend this E-mail:

“Dear Friend,

I’m curious about something. Would you consider gifting yourself with more happiness and well being?  What if you could learn tools to reduce your anxious thoughts, quiet down the inner critic and spend more time feeling positive about your life?  Would you gift yourself with it?”  

Her reply:  “No brainer, tell me more.”

My friend is now enrolled in my 8- week Positive Intelligence program and already feeling the impact by finding small gifts and opportunities to feeling more joy, and enjoying the season for herself.

Here’s what I have discovered: life will always throw us challenges, and we get to choose how we want to respond to them. I was personally gifted with this life-changing work called Positive Intelligence about three years ago during the COVID shutdown. It’s re-shaped my life and my work.  I’ve learned how to quiet my restless mind, so that I can be present to focus on the important relationships in my life and make meaningful contributions in the world.  

If you are looking for something special this season, GIFT YOURSELF or someone you know with true happiness. You can contact me, put 30 minutes on my calendar to discuss how or learn more about how you can move from anxiety to enjoyment.  

I’m starting new session in January for parents!

Sorry. Not Sorry: The Gift of Apology

“Sorry Not Sorry.”  Despite my reluctance, this catchy pop song ends up cycling through my playlist;  inevitably stuck in my brain for a few hours.  I hear my teenage daughter say the phrase, which always makes me wince a little.  What does she mean when she blasts this continuous chorus?  I look it up.  Glamour magazine called Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry” a “song that takes self-empowerment to new heights,” and “a revenge song at its core.”  I’m no music critic nor do I care to comment on Demi’s love, loss, and life.  If she feels empowered by using this as her mantra, fantastic.  

My wincing reaction is caused more by how normalized it has become to hear “Sorry, no actually, just kidding, I’m not sorry!”  It feels a bit “cringy” -- as the teens say.  I’m not trying to over-analyze a trendy, coined phrase that kids use;  however, I’ll take this as an opportunity to emphasize the importance of APOLOGIES  and communicate what a gift they can be to give.  I feel like saying “sorry not sorry” is like giving a gift, then saying “PSYCH,” and taking it back.  I remember my brother using this phrase as kids when he would give me candy, then quickly pull it back.  

In my work as a coach, facilitator and parent, I have spent a lot of time working through conflict resolutions and effective relationship management.  One of the most important tools I encourage is the gift of a sincere apology.  The power of apology, when delivered with sincerity and authenticity, can build trust and help repair relationships.  We ALL make mistakes.  In fact, we learn more from our mistakes than when we’re always doing “the right thing.”  When we can own our mistakes, take accountability for our contribution, and apologize, we strengthen our bonds with others.  

That said, I also know apologies are not always easy - especially those with bigger consequences.  Conflict happens every day, whether it be “conflict” with lower case letters (as in “No, I don’t feel like watching that movie) or CONFLICT, with upper case and loud bolded letters (as in “You are a complete idiot for not agreeing with my political views”).  What makes conflict bigger and messier is when people’s values, opinions, and/or beliefs are mismatched and cause deep, emotional triggers for the individuals involved.  

Apologies are also hard because they require us to look closely at something we’ve done that may have hurt someone else.  Graceful mistake-making is an advanced skill.  It can feel very vulnerable to admit we have done something to cause another person pain, harm, or disappointment.  Some of us experience our own shame and embarrassment when we perceive that we’ve behaved “badly.”  When these emotions are not expressed, they can grow bigger and prevent us from being able to communicate to the person we’ve hurt.  Sometimes, it is just easier to avoid people or circumstances rather than apologize.  

It’s also possible that when we’ve said or done something that hurt another, we feel justified because they did something first that hurt us.  This is where emotions more like anger and revenge can leak into the situation.  I’ve often heard, “I’m not saying sorry; she started it. She’s in the wrong!”  Once the justification and blame game begin, the situation can escalate into a push and push match which has no resolution in sight.

There are many reasons we don’t say sorry.  It’s definitely easier for some of us than others.  In fact, some of us over-apologize for things we didn’t even do wrong!  When used skillfully as necessary, apologizing is an effective way to diffuse conflict and build trust in a relationship - if you are committed to growing in that relationship.  

So, what is a skillful apology?  A few considerations:

Own your contribution for escalating a situation.

This is different from taking the blame for the conflict. What did you do to perhaps add to the escalation of the situation?  Even if you don’t think you’re at fault, 99% of conflicts have escalating behaviors on both sides.*  If you engage in the blame game, it is a binary problem (I’m right; you’re wrong) and difficult to move forward.  But, if we can identify how we may have  also contributed to making the situation worse and we have the willingness to throw in the first attempt at mending the situation, it can often bring down the other person’s emotional reaction and begin to pave a way forward toward resolution.  

Now, I know it’s common to think, “Why should I apologize when they never do, or when the situation wasn’t my fault?”  Apologizing and owning our mistakes, or even our contribution, is just one tool we can use to diffuse a conflict - But, it’s an important one.  You have to be willing to give it as a gift if you’ve added to the problem.  Even if the other person isn’t willing to apologize for their contribution, or doesn’t respond the way we want them to, the personal integrity is in taking responsibility for your part.  We can not control how other people respond; we can only speak from our experience (and yes this is so frustrating!).  

I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for using “sorry” as a way to diffuse or avoid conflict simply by shutting it down.  I have observed situations where people over-use apologies as a way to create harmony and avoid conflict.  If I’m at a grocery store and someone bumps into me, do I need to say, “Oh, I’m sorry!”  No, I don’t have any contribution in this situation.  I often encourage kids to get used to using the terms “pardon, or excuse me” so that the habit of over-sorrying doesn’t develop.  Over-sorrying can become a burden of taking on the world’s problems and it is not a healthy way to build self-esteem for kids - or adults.

Apologize specifically for your behavior.

Be so specific for what you did that it’s very clear to the person why you are apologizing.  For example, if I said “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt” -- I’m not not actually apologizing for what I did or said (and could actually be assuming your feelings are hurt).  Instead I might say, “I’m sorry that I yelled during our conversation at breakfast this morning, it was inappropriate” -- AND THEN STOP!  One of the biggest mistakes we make is to keep talking after our apology.  When we keep going with the explanations and justifications, the apology gets lost.  When we stop talking to let the apology be clearly heard- and maybe appreciated - it has more impact.  Let them appreciate that you took accountability for your actions.  If I added, “I’m sorry that I yelled during our conversation at breakfast this morning, it was inappropriate.  But, you were being so rude and you hurt my feelings” -- then I’ve just invalidated my sorry because now it’s  someone else’s fault that I yelled. 

Give a sincere apology.

Have you ever heard a parent say, “Now go tell your sister you are sorry!”  What comes next might be a grumbling, insincere remark that doesn’t resemble an authentic apology at all.  When we’re adults apologizing, we might still deliver with anger or grumbling.  Like any communication, when delivered with eye contact (in some cultures) and a calm, sincere tone of voice, it has more potential to be heard and appreciated because it feels real. 

Acknowledge an apology.

If you say sorry and the other person returns the apology, treat it like you would any gift.  Simply say, “Thank you,” or “I appreciate that.”  This also helps to avoid the “It’s ok” reply we sometimes say to smooth things over - even when it’s not ok.  If the apology isn’t said exactly the way you were hoping for, have some empathy for their courage to give the gift -- it will only encourage more gift giving.  I’ve written before about the importance of an Emotional Bank Account and a sincere apology is a direct deposit into that account!  

Manage your expectations.

If we are expecting to be forgiven just because we’ve said sorry, we might be disappointed.  Giving an apology doesn’t always resolve deeply-rooted challenges.  There are many other tools and skills that might be required to repair a conversation or relationship;  However, I always advocate for others to summon the courage and  offer a sincere apology as a first step to unsticking a conflict from the circular blame, shame, and pain patterns.  It shows you’re willing to take accountability and begin repairing the situation.

The terrific part about the gift of a sincere apology is that it’s a free gift to give when you need it.   Remember, it’s most impactful when it’s not returned with a “Sorry Not Sorry.

- Sonya

My Recommended Resources:

If you are interested in taking a deeper dive, explore Dr. Harriett Lerner’s work.  She’s a psychologist and author of  Why Won’t You Apologize?  (and many more great reads).

If you like audio, Dr. Lerner was featured on Brene’ Brown’s, Unlocking Us Podcast:  I’m Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters (a 2-part series).  

* Material references from Girls Leadership curriculum, “Owning Our Mistakes”

I’d love to hear your perspective!  Freely to share your personal experience, ideas, or comments about apologies.       

Appreciating Introverts Everywhere!

I was packing up my materials after a recent workshop I taught for 2nd & 3rd grade girls, when I noticed a girl and her mother lingering after class.  I paused, approached them and said good night -- sensing they wanted my attention.  The mom asked her daughter if she wanted to  explain to us why she wouldn’t talk or engage during the workshop. “What’s wrong?” she asked.  The girl stiffened —  making quick eye contact with me before looking down at her shoes. I smiled at her with empathy.  The mom continued to tell me that her daughter was usually more confident and she just didn’t understand why her girl was so quiet in the class.  She proceeded to apologize on her behalf.  I explained that no one was being graded for level of participation and that the purpose of the workshop was to help girls find their voice, so it was ok with me.  But, I knew precisely what she was getting to.  

It might feel easy to jump to judgement on her mothering.  However, if you are a parent, you know that other parents (sometimes) judge when our children don’t behave the way the world —or we— would like them to.  We often believe that their behavior somehow reflects poorly on us. As a parent of a middle school girl, I have felt a sense of embarrassment  when my daughter did something other people didn’t think was “right.”  Trust me. I suspect it’s a sensation that you parents reading might be familiar with.            

I also knew what she meant because I was once that girl;  so, I could relate to the daughter, too.  I was more quiet, private, and reserved. To be honest, I’m sometimes still that girl at 50 years old.  I might walk into a social or networking event, grab food and sit quietly— happily alone.  I might notice a familiar face and politely smile across the room but stay in my own space.  I’m the person on a flight who will immediately put on my headphones so I can gleefully dive deep into an indulgent movie or delicious book in solitude only to disappoint the social needs of my seat mates.  You may not always notice me, and that’s often the way I like it.  I revel in my alone time.  When I’m especially stressed, I crave going for a solo walk outdoors in nature.  But here’s the thing -- you don’t have to worry about me.  I am a self-identified introvert —well, Myers-Briggs says so, too.  Now, as a behaviorist, I’m not a fan of labeling ourselves or others into binary boxes or labels, like “Introvert OR Extrovert,” that can be hard to climb out of.  I do, however, think the introversion / extroversion spectrum identification can be useful — mostly for growing one’s self awareness.  It took me a long time to recognize that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me, but that I processed information differently and I was refueled and recharged by thinking deeply and being alone.   

As a consultant and coach who has worked more than 25 years in business and studying behavior in people at work, I have observed how American culture can encourage the bias toward extroversion.  Organizations develop leadership competencies that can be heavily rewarding for those who step up and use up the space in a room (yes, those are necessary and positive).  I’ll save my perspective on quiet leadership for another Blog post.  For those who have a quieter voice, who might choose to observe and take time to process, we can often jump to labels and the misinterpretation that there is something off.  In my 20’s I was labeled as “elusive” and “anti-social” because I was more reserved. I observed a situation, noticed a lot, analyzed, and just wanted to THINK.  What I’ve since recognized is that as humans, others are trying to interpret and make sense of my behaviors.  In the absence of my sharing, others made their assumptions of what I was experiencing.  

What I have also learned, after decades of education and self-growth, is that if I want my perspective heard, then I have to work a little harder to put it out into the world. I’ve not always been energized by hearing my voice out loud.  In fact, sharing out loud used to invoke a massive desire to hit the eject button from a spot-lit situation — and fast.  The emotional energy required to push myself external for days when facilitating a workshop where I’m constantly “out there” required hard work and recovery time.  If you added on evening social dinners, I was spent!   This brings me to one of the most important aspects of understanding introversion tendencies.  Listen up, parents!  People with introversion tendencies typically have a need to process and re-energize internally.  When we’ve had a long day of work or school that has taxed our external processing capacity, we need to recharge.  Which means that being interrogated after work or school can be torture!

For me personally, a nice reflective drive home, a walk with the dog, journaling or music — alone— goes a long way in the emotional bank account.  For kids, a dive into the device (we can talk “electronic numbing” another time), a creative project, or a good book can be just the internal magic they need.  Once satisfied, we will re-emerge:  Refreshed and ready to engage.  This can drive people with extroverted tendencies crazy.  But, we’re fine.  And I get it.  We live in a world of fierce competition where we may get left behind if we’re not able to speak up and lead on.  As parents, we worry when our kids can’t speak up or self-advocate. Trust me, I teach workshops for this!  But, I also recognize that it’s a self-awareness process that can sometimes be slower than we want to allow for our children and even adults in our life.  Be patient and read on.  

Healthy habits for better understanding:

Notice more

Slow down to observe what is happening for others.  Social Awareness is one of the key Emotional Intelligence skills — and one of the most difficult when most of us are operating at warp speed.  When was the last time you noticed a colleague was more quiet than usual, your child’s mood has changed, your partner’s sleeping patterns have changed?  When we begin to notice, it brings our world into a new level of awareness.

Be curious, watch out for assumptions

Once you actually notice someone’s behavior, become curious.  Try to withhold judgement or assume something is “wrong.”  Consider coming from a place of “what are you experiencing right now?” or “I’m noticing (behavior)…what’s happening for you right now?”  When we begin to ask questions, it moves us from having a fixed mindset of what we think we know about what is happening for someone else.   

Make space

I’ve often used the make space and take space exercise with clients I coach.  I ask them to notice if they have a healthy balance of taking up air space in the room, or making space for other’s contribution.  Neither is good or bad, and both are needed.  And for those who process internally and observe, they can tend to make more space.  The shadow side for making too much space means that one can be overlooked or unseen, and their perspective gets lost.  My wise mentor once told me, “When you think within for too long, others fill in the space and the world misses out on your contribution.”  I’m still navigating this one!

Where do you find your own tendencies?  Start to notice in conversations, meetings, and at home with your kids.  Who is taking the airspace?  Who might also need to be heard from?

Operate with compassion

Allowing space for the true experiences and feelings of others can be a real challenge.  Our own beliefs and experiences filter how we view others.  Having compassion for another’s circumstances takes noticing and empathy.  I don’t believe people with more extroverted tendencies are less compassionate, or don’t care about others (of course).  However, they may be more inclined to jump in before fully processing because they process externally (which can also be misinterpreted!). 

And to the worried parent in my workshop, I offer an invitation to notice your daughter, be curious about her quietness, make space for her thinking, and operate with compassion.   

My Recommended Resources:

Susan Cain’s Ted Talk:  The Power of Introverts and her book Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

If you’re parenting an introvert, also check out her Parenting a Quiet Child work

Leadership:

One of David Rock’s early books (and a favorite of mine) Quiet Leadership:  Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work is not focused on introversion, but the value of action versus words when leading. 

And finally -- The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength.

A Post Script Note:

I wrote this in February, before the Global Pandemic took hold and we sheltered in place.  I’m finding it fascinating to discover who is more comfortable and managing well working from home versus those who are in dire need of more social and external connection!

Getting Creative When Sheltered-In-Place

For many of us, life feels like it changed almost overnight.  We have each taken on the weight of our personal burdens and worries.  We begin moving through the change curve phases (a method of helping people understand their reactions to significant change or upheaval).  We do this at our own speed and intensity (and often regress). I know that I personally can shift from uplifted and hopeful to melancholy and discouraged several times a day.

In California, it’s been only a week since we’ve been sheltered-in-place.  I’ve stayed in touch with family and friends and have watched the challenges we’re all facing trying to adjust to this new (not so) normal.  What’s happening with school work?  How will we work remotely? Is there enough meat and toilet paper in the world (um, yes people).  

Week 1 slides into home base.  Then the weekend hits. My wheels start turning as I think, how can we connect and have fun this weekend?  So, I think up a remote scavenger hunt activity for groups. Sunday night we tried it out with six families and I wanted to share it with you.  It helped us get connected and it took less than an hour to complete. The laughter, brain stimulation and pure joy it brought to the kids (and adults) was priceless.  

So, here’s a small gift of connection from my family to yours.  This is how we did it. Modify and add to as you wish with what you have access to.  Most importantly - ENJOY!

• Meet up together via video chat with other households (FaceTime, Zoom, Skype Google meet).  If you’re not already using a technology, it’s a great time to learn.  We’ve been holding Zoom happy hours which have been very helpful.

• Explain the rules.  We said it was a race between households, all challenges had to be completed and proofed with pictures.  No cheating.  

• Give everyone the challenges at the same time (see our 11 challenges below).  I texted them and emailed all at once to be on the same start time.

• Start the clock and everyone begins.  Families work together on the challenges.  People are running around and finding ways to work together.  Some light arguments ensue. We created a shared album on Apple to upload family pictures of each challenge.  I will treasure these silly photos forever! You don’t have to do this, just have each family show their pictures on the online meeting call after.

• The first and second families won a little prize and bragging rights.  But the true win was the laughter, the creativity, and the connection.

Here were our Scavenger Hunt Challenges:

WEEK 1 ACTIVITIES:

1. Create a single standing tower of 30 coins high, take a picture with a family member in it

2. Find 5 types of different balls in your house - take a picture

3. Take a picture of a neighbor or stranger on the street walking by your house

4. Construct and wear a paper pirate hat, take a picture of the oldest person in your group wearing it

5. Take  a picture of 5 condiments in your house - all must be in one photo together

6. Find the largest rock in your garden and take a selfie with it

7. Dress up a pet with at least 3 articles and take a picture (youngest child is ok if you don’t have a pet)

8. Create a video of a 30 domino long train falling into one another until the end.  Must be a consecutive fall down. If you don’t have dominoes, try something with the same effect, knocking one another over like a toy or boxes

9. Construct a human family pyramid with ALL people in house - take a photo or video!

10. Find an artifact from one kids’ childhood from years 1-3 of their life.  What is it and why is it special? Bring it to final online call to share what it is and why it’s special  

11. Draw a picture of the best thing about the last week that has happened in your home with your family!

WEEK 2 ACTIVITIES:

1. Find a jack of hearts and a 10 of spades, take a picture

2. Two family members complete 10 pushups, breaks ok! (video required)

3. Create a family Tiktok. (might have to use kids phone)

4. Picture of a red plant or flower

5. Take a selfie with everyone in a car

6. Youngest child puts feet in mom or dad's shoes

7. Put lipstick on the oldest man in the house

8. Rooster crow outside (video for evidence)

9. Take a picture of 4 things you would take on a boa. 

10. Take a video of a team mate strutting around like a turkey

11. Take a picture of something: 1. Stinky 2. With wheels 3. Noisy 4. Smaller than a mouse. 5. Fluffy. (5 pictures in total)

12. Write down 5 theme parks in America (bonus point if you have a picture of any family member at one of the theme parks)

13. Cut out from a piece of paper the first initial of your last name

14. Make 5 words out of : QUARANTINE (3 letter minimum)

15. Solve this riddle. What has 1 eye but cannot see? The answer is the key to the finish line. Text the answer through at completion which will signal you are complete! 

WEEK 3 ACTIVITIES:

1. Find a Polaroid picture of a family member ( A small picture will do ) And take a picture of the person in the Polaroid holding it

2. Find something that starts the letter Z and take a pic

3. Do a family magazine pose and take a pic

4. Stack all of your Apple products in a pile take a photo

5. Go outside and take a video of you screaming I love Chipotle

6. Draw a family portrait and take a photo

7. Find two different types of leaves take a photo

8. Take a video of someone speaking a sentence in another language

9. Take a video of you landing either heads and heads or tails and tails with a coin

10. Find an old diary and take a photo

11. Find six pens in Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple take a photo

12. Find five different types of lotion bottles and take a photo

13. Take a photo of parents (or a couple) kissing

14. Cut out a paper mustache and take a selfie with it

15. Take a short video of your family playing air drums/guitar

16. Make yourself characters from Wizard of Oz using kitchen items

17. Take a photo of you jumping in mid air in the rain 🌧

A Deposit into the Emotional Bank Account

It was a typical Thursday evening last week with dinner, homework, and calendar comparing when my internal warning system fired up.  My 7th-grade daughter had erupted with frustration: expressing her dissatisfaction with our conversation through tears and yelling.   “Here we go,” I thought. If you share life with teens, this might feel familiar. I show up armed with my lecture, reasoning, and requests to please just calm down.  I was exhausted and caught off guard — my guttural urge to problem solve this and move on was high. Instead, I pushed the pause button and inhaled deeply. My mind reverted back to the audio book I’d been listening to on they way home from teaching, and my internal dialogue asked “Who does she need me to be right now?”  Despite wanting only to expedite a solution, I slowed down and waited for a break in the emotional volcano.  I recognized that piling on my solutions to her challenge would never be the right answer anyway. I took another deep breath and modified  MY attitude —which was going to be part of my lecture to her, so why not model it? From somewhere deep, I found the strength to calmly say, “It looks like you’re pretty upset.  Do you need my help problem solving or do you just need time to spiral a little more?” She yelled for another 30 seconds, and then I see it. That internal shift that occurs when we slow down, validate their feelings, and inquire.  She yelled “FINE!” and began the process of self-managing through her challenge. She’s been heard. We move on, she’s found her solution, and I smile — on the inside, of course. I thought back to my audiobook and how Dr. Duffy would say I’ve just made a direct deposit into her emotional bank account and knew I had to share this book with anyone parenting teens.

I’m also compelled to share my personal experience, not to “humble brag” of my success —although I did give myself a personal parenting high-five— but to show how small shifts in our own emotional awareness can model agency for our children allowing them to self manage.  I was able to find the space to support and care, without fixing, and it was actually less effort than finding solutions to her problem. I’ve experienced plenty of impressive, teary shouting matches where I may have yelled “I’m a certified Emotional Intelligence trainer for goodness sake, just listen to me!” This time it worked to help her get to a solution and move forward rather than the spiraling and ruminating that can last for hours  — sound familiar? As I reflect on the enormity of our kids’ challenges, I know that every small rupture and recovery with my teenager provides her with confidence and agency to navigate her complex world.  

My Recommended Resource:

This month, I’m thrilled to share my first Blog resource – and with a sense of urgency.  Dr. Duffy shares current and relevant information about the world our children are growing into: which at first will alarm you, and then will comfort you.  This book is educational and has helped me to reflect on my own fears about social media, drugs, and anxiety. I’m finding more ways to connect and dive in on this journey together with my own daughter and better appreciate and understand the young people I work with.  Enjoy.

(I have no personal affiliation with Dr. Duffy nor receive compensation for my recommendation).

Please feel free to share your comments and experiences!

Dr. Duffy is also the author of The Available Parent (2014).