I was packing up my materials after a recent workshop I taught for 2nd & 3rd grade girls, when I noticed a girl and her mother lingering after class.  I paused, approached them and said good night -- sensing they wanted my attention.  The mom asked her daughter if she wanted to  explain to us why she wouldn’t talk or engage during the workshop. “What’s wrong?” she asked.  The girl stiffened —  making quick eye contact with me before looking down at her shoes. I smiled at her with empathy.  The mom continued to tell me that her daughter was usually more confident and she just didn’t understand why her girl was so quiet in the class.  She proceeded to apologize on her behalf.  I explained that no one was being graded for level of participation and that the purpose of the workshop was to help girls find their voice, so it was ok with me.  But, I knew precisely what she was getting to.  

It might feel easy to jump to judgement on her mothering.  However, if you are a parent, you know that other parents (sometimes) judge when our children don’t behave the way the world —or we— would like them to.  We often believe that their behavior somehow reflects poorly on us. As a parent of a middle school girl, I have felt a sense of embarrassment  when my daughter did something other people didn’t think was “right.”  Trust me. I suspect it’s a sensation that you parents reading might be familiar with.            

I also knew what she meant because I was once that girl;  so, I could relate to the daughter, too.  I was more quiet, private, and reserved. To be honest, I’m sometimes still that girl at 50 years old.  I might walk into a social or networking event, grab food and sit quietly— happily alone.  I might notice a familiar face and politely smile across the room but stay in my own space.  I’m the person on a flight who will immediately put on my headphones so I can gleefully dive deep into an indulgent movie or delicious book in solitude only to disappoint the social needs of my seat mates.  You may not always notice me, and that’s often the way I like it.  I revel in my alone time.  When I’m especially stressed, I crave going for a solo walk outdoors in nature.  But here’s the thing -- you don’t have to worry about me.  I am a self-identified introvert —well, Myers-Briggs says so, too.  Now, as a behaviorist, I’m not a fan of labeling ourselves or others into binary boxes or labels, like “Introvert OR Extrovert,” that can be hard to climb out of.  I do, however, think the introversion / extroversion spectrum identification can be useful — mostly for growing one’s self awareness.  It took me a long time to recognize that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me, but that I processed information differently and I was refueled and recharged by thinking deeply and being alone.   

As a consultant and coach who has worked more than 25 years in business and studying behavior in people at work, I have observed how American culture can encourage the bias toward extroversion.  Organizations develop leadership competencies that can be heavily rewarding for those who step up and use up the space in a room (yes, those are necessary and positive).  I’ll save my perspective on quiet leadership for another Blog post.  For those who have a quieter voice, who might choose to observe and take time to process, we can often jump to labels and the misinterpretation that there is something off.  In my 20’s I was labeled as “elusive” and “anti-social” because I was more reserved. I observed a situation, noticed a lot, analyzed, and just wanted to THINK.  What I’ve since recognized is that as humans, others are trying to interpret and make sense of my behaviors.  In the absence of my sharing, others made their assumptions of what I was experiencing.  

What I have also learned, after decades of education and self-growth, is that if I want my perspective heard, then I have to work a little harder to put it out into the world. I’ve not always been energized by hearing my voice out loud.  In fact, sharing out loud used to invoke a massive desire to hit the eject button from a spot-lit situation — and fast.  The emotional energy required to push myself external for days when facilitating a workshop where I’m constantly “out there” required hard work and recovery time.  If you added on evening social dinners, I was spent!   This brings me to one of the most important aspects of understanding introversion tendencies.  Listen up, parents!  People with introversion tendencies typically have a need to process and re-energize internally.  When we’ve had a long day of work or school that has taxed our external processing capacity, we need to recharge.  Which means that being interrogated after work or school can be torture!

For me personally, a nice reflective drive home, a walk with the dog, journaling or music — alone— goes a long way in the emotional bank account.  For kids, a dive into the device (we can talk “electronic numbing” another time), a creative project, or a good book can be just the internal magic they need.  Once satisfied, we will re-emerge:  Refreshed and ready to engage.  This can drive people with extroverted tendencies crazy.  But, we’re fine.  And I get it.  We live in a world of fierce competition where we may get left behind if we’re not able to speak up and lead on.  As parents, we worry when our kids can’t speak up or self-advocate. Trust me, I teach workshops for this!  But, I also recognize that it’s a self-awareness process that can sometimes be slower than we want to allow for our children and even adults in our life.  Be patient and read on.  

Healthy habits for better understanding:

Notice more

Slow down to observe what is happening for others.  Social Awareness is one of the key Emotional Intelligence skills — and one of the most difficult when most of us are operating at warp speed.  When was the last time you noticed a colleague was more quiet than usual, your child’s mood has changed, your partner’s sleeping patterns have changed?  When we begin to notice, it brings our world into a new level of awareness.

Be curious, watch out for assumptions

Once you actually notice someone’s behavior, become curious.  Try to withhold judgement or assume something is “wrong.”  Consider coming from a place of “what are you experiencing right now?” or “I’m noticing (behavior)…what’s happening for you right now?”  When we begin to ask questions, it moves us from having a fixed mindset of what we think we know about what is happening for someone else.   

Make space

I’ve often used the make space and take space exercise with clients I coach.  I ask them to notice if they have a healthy balance of taking up air space in the room, or making space for other’s contribution.  Neither is good or bad, and both are needed.  And for those who process internally and observe, they can tend to make more space.  The shadow side for making too much space means that one can be overlooked or unseen, and their perspective gets lost.  My wise mentor once told me, “When you think within for too long, others fill in the space and the world misses out on your contribution.”  I’m still navigating this one!

Where do you find your own tendencies?  Start to notice in conversations, meetings, and at home with your kids.  Who is taking the airspace?  Who might also need to be heard from?

Operate with compassion

Allowing space for the true experiences and feelings of others can be a real challenge.  Our own beliefs and experiences filter how we view others.  Having compassion for another’s circumstances takes noticing and empathy.  I don’t believe people with more extroverted tendencies are less compassionate, or don’t care about others (of course).  However, they may be more inclined to jump in before fully processing because they process externally (which can also be misinterpreted!). 

And to the worried parent in my workshop, I offer an invitation to notice your daughter, be curious about her quietness, make space for her thinking, and operate with compassion.   

My Recommended Resources:

Susan Cain’s Ted Talk:  The Power of Introverts and her book Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

If you’re parenting an introvert, also check out her Parenting a Quiet Child work

Leadership:

One of David Rock’s early books (and a favorite of mine) Quiet Leadership:  Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work is not focused on introversion, but the value of action versus words when leading. 

And finally -- The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength.

 

A Post Script Note:

I wrote this in February, before the Global Pandemic took hold and we sheltered in place.  I’m finding it fascinating to discover who is more comfortable and managing well working from home versus those who are in dire need of more social and external connection!