It was a typical Thursday evening last week with dinner, homework, and calendar comparing when my internal warning system fired up. My 7th-grade daughter had erupted with frustration: expressing her dissatisfaction with our conversation through tears and yelling. “Here we go,” I thought. If you share life with teens, this might feel familiar. I show up armed with my lecture, reasoning, and requests to please just calm down. I was exhausted and caught off guard — my guttural urge to problem solve this and move on was high. Instead, I pushed the pause button and inhaled deeply. My mind reverted back to the audio book I’d been listening to on they way home from teaching, and my internal dialogue asked “Who does she need me to be right now?” Despite wanting only to expedite a solution, I slowed down and waited for a break in the emotional volcano. I recognized that piling on my solutions to her challenge would never be the right answer anyway. I took another deep breath and modified MY attitude —which was going to be part of my lecture to her, so why not model it? From somewhere deep, I found the strength to calmly say, “It looks like you’re pretty upset. Do you need my help problem solving or do you just need time to spiral a little more?” She yelled for another 30 seconds, and then I see it. That internal shift that occurs when we slow down, validate their feelings, and inquire. She yelled “FINE!” and began the process of self-managing through her challenge. She’s been heard. We move on, she’s found her solution, and I smile — on the inside, of course. I thought back to my audiobook and how Dr. Duffy would say I’ve just made a direct deposit into her emotional bank account and knew I had to share this book with anyone parenting teens.

I’m also compelled to share my personal experience, not to “humble brag” of my success —although I did give myself a personal parenting high-five— but to show how small shifts in our own emotional awareness can model agency for our children allowing them to self manage. I was able to find the space to support and care, without fixing, and it was actually less effort than finding solutions to her problem. I’ve experienced plenty of impressive, teary shouting matches where I may have yelled “I’m a certified Emotional Intelligence trainer for goodness sake, just listen to me!” This time it worked to help her get to a solution and move forward rather than the spiraling and ruminating that can last for hours — sound familiar? As I reflect on the enormity of our kids’ challenges, I know that every small rupture and recovery with my teenager provides her with confidence and agency to navigate her complex world.

My Recommended Resource:

This month, I’m thrilled to share my first Blog resource – and with a sense of urgency. Dr. Duffy shares current and relevant information about the world our children are growing into: which at first will alarm you, and then will comfort you. This book is educational and has helped me to reflect on my own fears about social media, drugs, and anxiety. I’m finding more ways to connect and dive in on this journey together with my own daughter and better appreciate and understand the young people I work with. Enjoy.

(I have no personal affiliation with Dr. Duffy nor receive compensation for my recommendation).

Please feel free to share your comments and experiences!

Dr. Duffy is also the author of The Available Parent (2014).