During a recent workshop I facilitated, I asked 90 women one simple question:  If you had more of just one thing that would make you happier, what would it be?  They were given the options of having a better relationship with their partner, more connection with their children, more wealth, more friends, more job satisfaction, more self worth or more calm and less anxiety.  Can you guess what they said?  By far, having more calm and less anxiety was their number one response.  Now, this isn’t a shocking research study.  In fact, it’s very consistent with the women I coach who are most often searching for an answer to feeling less anxiety and more calm. Many of us are feeling OVERWHELMED.  The misconception is often that if they just had more time, they would feel less stressed because they could fit it all in.  They want the magic wand, but time is the great equalizer -- and more of it isn’t the answer.  

I’ve outlined highlights of what I shared on my perspective here in this Blog post.

First, there’s no quick fix to battling feelings of overwhelm and anxiousness.  However, there are steps and practices you can begin taking to provide yourself the internal resources to manage the demands of living your life.  Life is difficult and will never stop throwing you challenges.  How can you get choiceful for how you want to live your life?

I talk about 3 important “Cs” to really understanding what’s going on:  Curious, in Command, Compassionate

Be CURIOUS

Understand yourself better.  Know WHAT you are feeling and WHY you are feeling that way. Then ask yourself how those emotions are impacting your behaviors.

“We all have Saboteurs that are the voices in your head that generate negative emotions in the way you handle life’s everyday challenges. They represent automated patterns in your mind for how to think, feel, and respond. They cause all of your stress, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, restlessness, and unhappiness. They sabotage your performance, wellbeing, and relationships.”* Click here for a free assessment to discover yours, and then let’s talk about it.  

Good self awareness comes from asking questions about yourself, even the hard stuff.  What’s the negative voice in your head telling you?  Knowing how YOU go negative to cause your own stress is a critical first step to quieting down the internal dialogue.  Staying alone on our challenges can cause more isolation and aloneness - get curious with support.

What can you do?

• Partner with a coach like me, or ask me for resources - I know a lot of great coaches.

• Find a group of trusted friends and talk about your imperfections (yes).  Read a book on Emotional Intelligence.  

• Any kind of exploring that starts to expose what’s in the shadows for you can free you from being a victim to your life’s experiences and circumstances.  

• Seek out a therapist if there are traumatic experiences you’ve had, or you need clinical support.  

Get in COMMAND of your mind

I’m here to tell you that you are not in control of your own mind.  Most of the time, emotions and experiences are what’s driving what you think about.  If you were the one in control, would you be waking up at 3 am anxious and worried?  Probably not.

There is an abundance of science and research that explain the health benefits to getting in control of your mind.  Conduct a quick Google search on “health impacts of mindfulness” and you can learn just how important developing mindfulness practices are.  Taking back control of your thoughts is possible with practice.  Letting curiosity, compassion, joy and empathy drive the bus rather than letting emotions like anxiety, anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness drive your behavior.

In my Positive Intelligence coaching and workshops, I teach people how to take back control so that they can be choiceful in how to respond to life’s challenges -- and you don’t have to become a Zen Master Meditator to experience the benefits.   I believe your Self Command muscle is the single most important muscle you can grow to overcome the feelings of anxiety.

Be COMPASSIONATE - to yourself

When I say the words “Self Compassion” in a workshop, I get a lot of eyerolls or “it’s so touchy/feely." On an intellectual level, it makes sense to most people why you would practice being nice to yourself.  However, on a practice level, it’s very different.  Dr. Kristen Neff is the leading researcher on Self Compassion and she defines self compassion as being able to relate to ourselves with the same kindness, compassion and caring as we treat others.  Sounds simple, yet somewhere along the way we have learned that in order to achieve, we must push ourselves really hard.  Would you speak to a close friend the way you speak to yourself?  

What would treating yourself with empathy, encouragement, patience and gentleness actually look or sound like?  I want to be clear that I’m not talking about the type of short-term Self Care that has become commercialized with self soothing through short-term fix activities like drinking a glass of wine or a facial while you “Netflix and chill”* to make yourself feel better. I’m talking about the longer-term impact of the kind of Self Care where you are taking an active role in protecting your own well being and happiness.  What if you could look in the mirror and genuinely accept your flaws and imperfections and not hate yourself for making your mistakes? Accepting that you are human and imperfect like the rest of us can help to untangle some of the self criticism. It’s worth trying.

When we engage in being CURIOUS, and getting in COMMAND of our minds, then we can begin the journey toward being our own personal support system.  

If you’re feeling curious or inspired to feel more calm and less overwhelmed, contact me, join a workshop or get 30 minutes on my calendar to talk.

Sources:

* Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence (I am certified Positive Intelligence coach)

**Just for the record, I enjoy a glass of wine, Netflix, and a pedicure, too.  I’m just advocating here for ALSO doing some self reflective work where it’s messy and uncomfortable but growth comes from it.