“Sorry Not Sorry.”  Despite my reluctance, this catchy pop song ends up cycling through my playlist;  inevitably stuck in my brain for a few hours.  I hear my teenage daughter say the phrase, which always makes me wince a little.  What does she mean when she blasts this continuous chorus?  I look it up.  Glamour magazine called Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry” a “song that takes self-empowerment to new heights,” and “a revenge song at its core.”  I’m no music critic nor do I care to comment on Demi’s love, loss, and life.  If she feels empowered by using this as her mantra, fantastic.  

My wincing reaction is caused more by how normalized it has become to hear “Sorry, no actually, just kidding, I’m not sorry!”  It feels a bit “cringy” -- as the teens say.  I’m not trying to over-analyze a trendy, coined phrase that kids use;  however, I’ll take this as an opportunity to emphasize the importance of APOLOGIES  and communicate what a gift they can be to give.  I feel like saying “sorry not sorry” is like giving a gift, then saying “PSYCH,” and taking it back.  I remember my brother using this phrase as kids when he would give me candy, then quickly pull it back.  

In my work as a coach, facilitator and parent, I have spent a lot of time working through conflict resolutions and effective relationship management.  One of the most important tools I encourage is the gift of a sincere apology.  The power of apology, when delivered with sincerity and authenticity, can build trust and help repair relationships.  We ALL make mistakes.  In fact, we learn more from our mistakes than when we’re always doing “the right thing.”  When we can own our mistakes, take accountability for our contribution, and apologize, we strengthen our bonds with others.  

That said, I also know apologies are not always easy - especially those with bigger consequences.  Conflict happens every day, whether it be “conflict” with lower case letters (as in “No, I don’t feel like watching that movie) or CONFLICT, with upper case and loud bolded letters (as in “You are a complete idiot for not agreeing with my political views”).  What makes conflict bigger and messier is when people’s values, opinions, and/or beliefs are mismatched and cause deep, emotional triggers for the individuals involved.  

Apologies are also hard because they require us to look closely at something we’ve done that may have hurt someone else.  Graceful mistake-making is an advanced skill.  It can feel very vulnerable to admit we have done something to cause another person pain, harm, or disappointment.  Some of us experience our own shame and embarrassment when we perceive that we’ve behaved “badly.”  When these emotions are not expressed, they can grow bigger and prevent us from being able to communicate to the person we’ve hurt.  Sometimes, it is just easier to avoid people or circumstances rather than apologize.  

It’s also possible that when we’ve said or done something that hurt another, we feel justified because they did something first that hurt us.  This is where emotions more like anger and revenge can leak into the situation.  I’ve often heard, “I’m not saying sorry; she started it. She’s in the wrong!”  Once the justification and blame game begin, the situation can escalate into a push and push match which has no resolution in sight.

There are many reasons we don’t say sorry.  It’s definitely easier for some of us than others.  In fact, some of us over-apologize for things we didn’t even do wrong!  When used skillfully as necessary, apologizing is an effective way to diffuse conflict and build trust in a relationship - if you are committed to growing in that relationship.  

So, what is a skillful apology?  A few considerations:

Own your contribution for escalating a situation.

This is different from taking the blame for the conflict. What did you do to perhaps add to the escalation of the situation?  Even if you don’t think you’re at fault, 99% of conflicts have escalating behaviors on both sides.*  If you engage in the blame game, it is a binary problem (I’m right; you’re wrong) and difficult to move forward.  But, if we can identify how we may have  also contributed to making the situation worse and we have the willingness to throw in the first attempt at mending the situation, it can often bring down the other person’s emotional reaction and begin to pave a way forward toward resolution.  

Now, I know it’s common to think, “Why should I apologize when they never do, or when the situation wasn’t my fault?”  Apologizing and owning our mistakes, or even our contribution, is just one tool we can use to diffuse a conflict - But, it’s an important one.  You have to be willing to give it as a gift if you’ve added to the problem.  Even if the other person isn’t willing to apologize for their contribution, or doesn’t respond the way we want them to, the personal integrity is in taking responsibility for your part.  We can not control how other people respond; we can only speak from our experience (and yes this is so frustrating!).  

I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for using “sorry” as a way to diffuse or avoid conflict simply by shutting it down.  I have observed situations where people over-use apologies as a way to create harmony and avoid conflict.  If I’m at a grocery store and someone bumps into me, do I need to say, “Oh, I’m sorry!”  No, I don’t have any contribution in this situation.  I often encourage kids to get used to using the terms “pardon, or excuse me” so that the habit of over-sorrying doesn’t develop.  Over-sorrying can become a burden of taking on the world’s problems and it is not a healthy way to build self-esteem for kids - or adults.

Apologize specifically for your behavior.

Be so specific for what you did that it’s very clear to the person why you are apologizing.  For example, if I said “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt” -- I’m not not actually apologizing for what I did or said (and could actually be assuming your feelings are hurt).  Instead I might say, “I’m sorry that I yelled during our conversation at breakfast this morning, it was inappropriate” -- AND THEN STOP!  One of the biggest mistakes we make is to keep talking after our apology.  When we keep going with the explanations and justifications, the apology gets lost.  When we stop talking to let the apology be clearly heard- and maybe appreciated - it has more impact.  Let them appreciate that you took accountability for your actions.  If I added, “I’m sorry that I yelled during our conversation at breakfast this morning, it was inappropriate.  But, you were being so rude and you hurt my feelings” -- then I’ve just invalidated my sorry because now it’s  someone else’s fault that I yelled. 

Give a sincere apology.

Have you ever heard a parent say, “Now go tell your sister you are sorry!”  What comes next might be a grumbling, insincere remark that doesn’t resemble an authentic apology at all.  When we’re adults apologizing, we might still deliver with anger or grumbling.  Like any communication, when delivered with eye contact (in some cultures) and a calm, sincere tone of voice, it has more potential to be heard and appreciated because it feels real. 

Acknowledge an apology.

If you say sorry and the other person returns the apology, treat it like you would any gift.  Simply say, “Thank you,” or “I appreciate that.”  This also helps to avoid the “It’s ok” reply we sometimes say to smooth things over - even when it’s not ok.  If the apology isn’t said exactly the way you were hoping for, have some empathy for their courage to give the gift -- it will only encourage more gift giving.  I’ve written before about the importance of an Emotional Bank Account and a sincere apology is a direct deposit into that account!  

Manage your expectations.

If we are expecting to be forgiven just because we’ve said sorry, we might be disappointed.  Giving an apology doesn’t always resolve deeply-rooted challenges.  There are many other tools and skills that might be required to repair a conversation or relationship;  However, I always advocate for others to summon the courage and  offer a sincere apology as a first step to unsticking a conflict from the circular blame, shame, and pain patterns.  It shows you’re willing to take accountability and begin repairing the situation.

The terrific part about the gift of a sincere apology is that it’s a free gift to give when you need it.   Remember, it’s most impactful when it’s not returned with a “Sorry Not Sorry.

- Sonya

My Recommended Resources:

If you are interested in taking a deeper dive, explore Dr. Harriett Lerner’s work.  She’s a psychologist and author of  Why Won’t You Apologize?  (and many more great reads).

If you like audio, Dr. Lerner was featured on Brene’ Brown’s, Unlocking Us Podcast:  I’m Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters (a 2-part series).  

* Material references from Girls Leadership curriculum, “Owning Our Mistakes”

I’d love to hear your perspective!  Freely to share your personal experience, ideas, or comments about apologies.